


I want to be with you

by dansleftboob



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 10:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5331674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dansleftboob/pseuds/dansleftboob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the rally Dan started out chanting with a passion to match the crowd around him and then somehow he had ended up watching Phil, who was chanting as loud as he could, with a passion Dan hadn’t even known Phil had, his fist raised in the air as he shouted. Dan’s heart leapt over as Phil turned to look at him, giving him a bright smile as Dan suddenly found himself being  lifted up by a few people around him and Dan after Phil shouted up to him “Go on, Dan!” sprung back into action, screaming at the top of his lungs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to be with you

Dan’s stubborn. That much he knows but nothing compares to the stubbornness of his mother. They’d argued again, neither getting the end result they wanted, like mother like son. 

“You need to stop going to those gay rallies, what if someone sees you?” She’d snapped before Dan could make his pre-planned b-line for the door.

“That’s sort of the point mum.” Dan fired back “To get the word out there, make it acceptable.”

“It is not acceptable!” His mother had spat 

“Oh, fuck off!” Dan rolled his eyes before darting into his bedroom, where he now lay with a little beverage from his little “stash” that he kept under his bed for times when he needed to stop thinking for a little while. He rang Phil then, he also helped with the not thinking thing. 

“I need you.” was all Dan said before he hung up, knowing Phil would be climbing through his window within the next few minutes.

“What happened?” Phil asked as he sat himself on the edge of Dan’s bed. 

“Mum.” Dan replied and moved to reach for Phil, pulling him down and pressing his lips into his, again it helped him not to think. 

Phil wasn’t having it though, pulling away almost as quickly as Dan had went in “What’d she do?”

“Phil…” Dan trailed off

“Talk to me this time, Dan.” Phil said softly “I want to help.”

“You do help.” Dan said with a frown “You help me forget.” 

Phil sighed and placed a hand against Dan’s cheek, slowly stroking it with his thumb and for a second Dan thought he’d won, that Phil was going to kiss him again but apparently not.

“I want to help you fix it.” Phil said.  
Dan laughed without humor “You can’t fix it Phil.” 

“Have you tried?” Phil asked and Dan groaned as he brought his bottle of vodka to his lips , barely flinching as he took a swig.

“What’s the point?” Dan asked and Phil gave a frown before he reached for the bottle, chugging a large amount of it before placing it on Dan’s bedside table and moving to lay on his back next to Dan.

He gave a shrug. 

“Is there a point in wallowing in your own self pity whilst you chug a bottle of vodka?” 

Dan scowled at him “I’m starting to think she’s right you know?” 

“About what?” Phil asked 

“That the whole ‘gay’ thing isn’t acceptable and that it’s pointless to try and make it.” 

Phil frowned as he turned onto his side, starting to trail a hand along Dan’s chest “You know that’s not true.” 

“But I haven’t gotten anywhere, I’m still right where I started.” Dan said 

“Oh,” Phil replied sadly “You are?” 

“Well, mum still hates me, doesn’t she? I haven’t gotten anywhere.” 

“Yes you have.” Phil retorted and Dan’s forehead crinkled in confusion “You came out, I haven’t even done that and I know my family would be fine with it if they did know. I know you haven’t had the best experience but you’re still brave for doing it.” 

Dan gave a contended smile, and reached out for Phil’s hand, man Phil was good at cheering him up.

“I can help you forget now if you want.” Phil smirked and Dan laughed before pulling Phil to him and pressing his lips against Phil’s once more, Dan tried time and time again to deepen their kiss but each time he did Phil would deny it and continue kissing him slowly, sweetly, trailing his fingertips over Dan’s torso.

“Phil…” Dan breathed out as Phil moved to kiss Dan’s neck as softly and slowly as he had done on his lips, hands still exploring Dan’s body with a gentle pressure “What are you doing?”

“Shh..” Phil whispered and kissed just under Dan’s ear “I’m doing what we always do. I’m helping you forget.” Dan then felt Phil’s teeth gently grazing against him.

“We’re not usually this…” Dan trailed off trying to find the right word “Gentle.”

Phil pulled away from Dan’s neck to look at him then “Do you want to stop?” 

Dan felt himself shy away from Phil’s intense yet-caring gaze, closing his eyes as a blush rose to his cheeks “No, I just don’t get why you’re being so caring.”

Phil snorted a little before rolling onto his back, abandoning all contact he and Dan had previously had “I thought that was obvious.” 

“No it’s not.” Dan replied, wishing Phil didn’t move away “And I didn’t say I wanted to stop.” 

“It is. You’re just oblivious.” Phil smiled slightly ignoring the second thing Dan said. 

“Am I?” Dan laughed slightly as Phil nodded “Why were you being so careful then?” 

“Because I care.” Phil shrugged 

“Shut up.” Dan laughed and moved so he was laying on top of Phil, face inches from his 

“Hi.” Phil giggled 

“ Hey.” Dan smiled back 

“I really do care about you, y'know.” 

“Right.” Dan rolled his eyes and kissed Phil again, only for him to pull away a few seconds later

“Y'know most people would say thank you to that.” Phil says

“Sorry.” Dan cringes at himself

“Don’t be.” Phil laughs “I know you’re not most people.”

Dan made a noise of agreement and leaned his forehead on Phil’s, searching his eyes. “Why though?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you care? I don’t get it.” 

Phil just smiles at him “Neither do I.” 

“You’re such a pretentious little shit.” Dan laughed and buried his head in the crook of Phil’s neck 

“So are you.” Phil defended 

“You love it.” Dan shot back 

“So what if I do.” 

Dan felt his blood run cold… Phil… loved it…. loved him… is that what that meant, no probably not, it was just banter… nothing serious… they weren’t serious. They couldn’t be serious. Dan wasn’t even supposed to be gay.

“Hey Phil…” Dan sighed after his moment of panic was over 

“Yeah?” 

“Can we try that 'gentle’ thing again?” 

A wide grin spread over Phil’s face as he turned them over so Dan was lying underneath him once more  
-  
Slow and steady wins the race. Dan’s never thought that phrase to be more true than he does right now, watching his best friend as he sleeps soundly, arms tightly secured around Dan’s waist, snuggled into his side. Phil always fell asleep first, especially after they’d had sex, it took it out of him, Dan supposed. Though, he didn’t know how, the sex they’d had last night had been the best of Dan’s life,it had been slow and gentle and god, gentle sex is the best sex. Slow and steady wins the race.  
And boy, had he won. 

A loud bang on his bedroom door jolts both of them and Phil wakes up 

“Dan! Get up! You’ve got conversion therapy in an hour!” 

“Fuck off!” Dan calls back, thanking the heavens his door was locked. 

He turns his attention back to Phil, now staring up at him with a worried expression “Conversion therapy?” 

“Yeah.” Dan sighs 

“How long have you been going?” 

“A couple weeks” Dan shrugged 

“That sucks.” Phil sighed, running his hands along Dan’s bare chest

“Yeah.” Dan frowned “But, don’t worry, I’m still very gay.”

Phil sighed again and leaned up to kiss Dan’s cheek “Still. It can’t be very nice to hear someone tell you over and over again that god hates you.” 

“It’s fine. I don’t even believe in god anyways.” Dan smiled down at Phil who didn’t return it but gave him a worried stare instead and that alone made Dan’s smile disappear “I’ll be fine, Phil.” 

“Promise?” Phil asked

“I promise.” Dan said and pressed his lips to Phil’s

“I should go home, before my dad realizes I’m gone.” Phil said as he got out of bed 

“There’s another rally today isn’t there?” Dan asked

“Yeah. Do you want to go?” Phil asked as he pulled on his shoes

“Yeah. I don’t mind going alone if you’re busy though.” Dan said and Phil leaned over to kiss him once more.

“I’m not busy. Besides, I don’t want you going alone.” Phil said and Dan smiled softly.  
“I’d better get ready.” Dan said, climbing out of bed himself and walking towards his wardrobe.

After saying goodbye to Phil and making him promise to text Dan once he was home, Dan made his way down to the lounge. 

“I don’t know what I did wrong, Charlotte.” His mum said on the phone with a sigh “I think maybe it’s because his Dad isn’t here.” 

“Or maybe it’s because it’s not a choice.” Dan grumbled on his way past her. He walked out of the house and slammed the door behind him.

“Hello, Daniel.” His therapist said as he entered the room “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Dan deadpanned has he took a seat across from her.

“Are you stealing having the you know thoughts?” She mouthed the word 'thoughts’ as if she was asking him if he was having thoughts about murdering someone.

“About men?” Dan asked, slight sarcasm lacing his tone.

“Yeah.”  
“Yes.” Dan snapped “I’m still gay.”

The rest of the session continued with Dan being asked why he thought he was gay and then being told how much of a sin it was and then ended with his therapist throwing holy water at him whilst asking god to forgive him and to help him find the lord. Dan was very near tearing his own hair out by the end of it. 

“Bloody Christians.” Dan grumbled over the phone to Phil as he stomped home “They actually think throwing holy water at me is going to make me straight.”

“Just throw glitter or something at them and maybe they’ll turn gay.” Phil joked and Dan let out a loud laugh.

“Anyways, do you want to go get lunch? Then we can just go to rally after that.”

“Sure.”

“Alright, I’ll be at yours in about ten minutes.” 

They didn’t end up going to get lunch, instead they ended up in Phil’s room, having eaten bacon sandwiches that Phil’s mum had made. 

“Do you mind if we stop by the graveyard on the way to the rally?” Phil asked as he polished of his sandwich 

“Yeah, sure.” Dan said “What for?” 

“It’s her birthday.” Phil shrugged 

“Oh.” Dan frowned “I’m so sorry Phil, I’ve been complaining-”

“It’s fine.” Phil interrupted “You didn’t know.”

“Are your parents going?” Dan asked

“They went this morning.” Phil replied “I got home just before them.” 

Dan stands a few steps behind Phil at the graveyard.

“I miss her.” Phil sighed as he sat down in front of the headstone.

'Here lies, Alex Lester, beloved son, brother and friend.' 

“I know, I do too.” Dan said and Phil sighed again, lifting his hand to run his finger along the word brother.

“Do you think if I told my parents they’d change it?” Phil asked.

“You’re not going to are you?” Dan asked worriedly.

“No, Of course not. But it just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like its even her grave.” 

“I know.” Dan frowned at Phil’s back “Look, Phil, we don’t have to go to the rally if you’re not up for it.”

Phil shook his head “I’ll only feel bad if I don’t.” 

“Is that why you do it then?” Dan asked and Phil stood up and turned to look at him 

“Do what?”

“Go to the rallies. Is it for her?” Dan asked

“Well, it’s also to do with the fact that I’m bisexual but yeah, it’s mostly for her.” Phil replied "Why do you go?“

"I’m just stubborn, I guess.” Dan shrugged and Phil laughed. 

“I know.” Dan gave Phil a playful shove.

“Shut up."  
-  
At the rally Dan started out chanting with a passion to match the crowd around him and then somehow he had ended up watching Phil, who was chanting as loud as he could, with a passion Dan hadn’t even known Phil had, his fist raised in the air as he shouted. Dan’s heart leapt over as Phil turned to look at him, giving him a bright smile as Dan suddenly found himself being lifted up by a few people around him and Dan after Phil shouted up to him "Go on, Dan!” sprung back into action, screaming at the top of his lungs.  
The people that had lifted Dan set him back down next to Phil and Dan laughed as he lost his balance slightly, falling into Phil’s side.

“Whoa, Careful.” Phil giggled helping Dan to stand up straight once again and Dan felt his smile widen when Phil threaded his fingers through Dan’s own and raised their clasped hands in the air and began to chant once more. Dan himself was watching Phil again, the way his mouth formed the words, he looked powerful and Dan felt his heart flutter once more and then and there Dan decided he was going to tell Phil, he needed to tell Phil.

“Phil?” Dan said, having to shout a little so Phil could hear him.

“What?” Phil asked, volume still as loud as his previous shouts of protest.

“I love you, Phil.” Dan shouted “I love you and I want to be with you.” 

At that Phil stopped altogether and Dan stopped with him, the rest of the protesters starting to walk around them as they stood facing each other, shock plastered all over Phil’s face before it faded into a small smile as he asked “Really?” 

“Yeah.” Dan returned Phil’s widening grin as Phil jumped into his arms. 

“I love you too.” Phil said before leaning up to press his lips to Dan’s in a passion-filled kiss, each of them too wrapped up in the other to notice the flashing of cameras around them.  
-  
“The bloody local newspaper!” His mother screamed as she slammed said 'bloody local newspaper’ down on the coffee table in front of Dan, who was barely listening he was too wrapped up in the memory of the day before. Phil loved him, he’d told Dan that he loved him. And Dan loved Phil and they loved each other and-

“Are you even listening to me, Daniel?!” She screeched at him “I’ve tried so bloody hard to keep people from finding out and then you go kissing some gay bastard in the papers!”

And then Dan saw red and he started shouting and he felt like he wouldn’t stop “I don’t give a shit what you think about me or us, I don’t give a shit about therapy, it doesn’t work and it never will. You can’t change me! You neurotic bitch!” 

Thwack!

“How dare you talk to me like that? I’m your mother.” She gaped at him and thank god she was his mother or Dan probably would have slapped her back.

“I don’t give a fuck!” Dan spat before running out of the house, hurriedly pulling out his phone and dialing Phil’s number.

“Hello?” Phil’s voice rang through after the third ring and Dan choked on a sob as he cried out Phil’s name “Dan? What’s wrong? What happened?” 

“Mum she-” Dan can’t get the rest out.

“Where are you?” Phil hurried.

“I don’t know.” Dan sniffed as he attempted to see a street sign through his tears.

“Can you get to mine?” Phil asked and Dan nodded before remember he was on the phone.

“Yeah.” Dan whimpered.

“Okay. It’ll be fine, Dan I promise.” Phil said.  
“I love you.” Dan said, smiling slightly as Phil said he loved him too.

“Oi, Howell.” A voice from behind him said, causing Dan to stop talking to Phil and face them “I saw you in the papers this morning.”

“Oh.” Was all Dan said.

“Dan? What’s going on?” Phil asked through the phone.

“Always knew you were a fag.” the boy said.

“I-um- can I help you?” Dan asked, cowering away as the boy began to get into Dan’s face.

“You certainly can.” The boy hissed as he grabbed Dan’s phone and threw it away from them before raising his fist.

“No, No please.” Dan begged but to no avail as the boys fist connected with his face, sending him to the ground, clutching his nose, only to start feeling kicks to his groin, head and entire body “Please stop!” Dan cried out before he felt a kick to his face again.

Dan never made it to Phil’s.  
-  
“Phil?” His mum asked him as he lay on his bed, tears streaming down his face “Are you alright?”

“No.” Phil replied, voice cracking. 

“Oh, Phil.” His mum comforted as she sat down beside him “I’m so sorry. I know how you felt about him.” 

Phil gave a sniff and said “I love him.” 

“I know. It’s not fair is it?” She sympathized “You should at least get to go to his funeral.” 

Phil only nodded in response.

“We can go and try to get in if you want.” She suggests.

“It’s okay.” Phil replied “I’ll just go to the graveyard once it’s over.” 

“Oh,” She sighed as she stood up “Alright, let me know if you need anything.” 

Phil sat down at Dan’s grave just as the sun was setting.

Here Lies Daniel James Howell,  
Beloved by many. 

Phil leaned his forehead on Dan’s headstone as he burst into tears. “I love you.” He sobbed to the concrete “I love you and I want to be with you.”


End file.
